WORKING MOM, MY GREATEST STRUGGLE

My biggest heart-strain for the past 3 years is the constant pull I feel between being a business owner and a mother.

Entrepreneurs put in an insane amount of hours to be successful. And babies and toddlers demand and insane amount of time and attention to be healthy.

Days like today make me want to cry.   No let’s just be honest, I type with tears down my cheeks.   Clarity and Serenity have been going to a really great preschool conveniently located a block from our house.  They really love it.  Until lately.  I just dropped them off this morning but literally had to peel Clarity off of me.  She CLUNG to me, sobbing and telling she just wants to spend the day with me. “But I have to work baby,” and her reply: “I don’t care. I’ll just sit by you quietly on the couch all day while you work on the computer. I just want to be with you.”

How do you say no to that???  Oh so much mom-guilt.

The irony of all this:  The circle of our choices is that we work so hard so we can give our children a higher quality of life.  But in doing so, we sacrifice time with our children, which is obviously what they want most right now.   Sometimes I wonder if I shouldn’t just circumvent the whole process and just say no to “a better life” and be with my kids full-time.

Clarity is at preschool crying and I’m here distracted from work because of my tears, so I turn to this.  Maybe if I write out my thoughts I’ll get clarity and serenity (no pun intended) and be able to focus on all the tasks at hand.

If you want advice from me, I wouldn’t recommend starting a business the same year you have your first child.  But who knows.  There wouldn’t be a Nil Organic Tea without Clarity, because she was the inspiration for all of it– healthy tea I could share with her that tasted good enough she’d actually drink it.

Yet I have this ever-present tension reminding me that she will never be almost 4 again.  Serenity will never be 2 again.  And pushing me to cherish the precious moments I have with them when they aren’t in childcare.  I guess that’s my solace.  That this has definitely forced me to savor the sweet mornings and evenings I get to be with them.  I wish she understood that quality is better than quantity.  That a half-day of mama’s full attention is better than a full-day of mama frustrated and trying to keep her distracted so I can accomplish something.

I guess this is just another poignant reminder to disconnect from everything except my girls when I rescue them from the loving arms of their preschool teachers at 5 o-clock.